In Secret - Chapter Two

Title: In Secret - Chapter Two: In the Light, over my Earth
Author: Onlystar
Game: Mass Effect
Characters/pairing: F!Shepard/James Vega
RATED: T
Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Alliance headquarters, Earth.

James was anxious. Anderson was about to introduce him to Commander Shepard. All of his usual confidence seemed to have gone missing and he only remembered feeling that way as a kid, when his Madre used to yell at him for useless things, like, having a bad grade or hanging out with the crooked kids of the neighborhood. Great, he thought, I haven't met her yet and I'm already shitting my pants. Come on, pendejo, get a hold of yourself, there is no place for personal feelings here.

When Anderson opened the door of the cell given to Shepard, they found her standing still, in front of the widow, watching as the sun was setting down.

"I hadn't seen the sun in more years than I like to count. It's beautiful, Anderson…" she trailed off as she turned around. "Who's this?" she asked, a sudden hesitation in the eyes.

For one second there, as she was turning around, James had been able to get a glimpse of her face, unguarded. She looked so much different than on the videos and photos he had seen of her. Maybe it was the armor, the guns; or maybe it was the fact that she knew how to stand straight, eyes never leaving the horizon, pride and fearlessness written all over her features. Here, between these four walls, with no witnesses, at least, not until she noticed his presence, she had simply looked human.

This had given back a bit of his lost confidence for he realized, then, that the famous Commander Shepard, savior of the Citadel, wasn't the cold, threatening woman displayed to the public…That was until he noticed the spark of suspicion in her eyes, the warning in her voice when she had asked Anderson about him. His blood froze, stopping the warm feeling of confidence finally spreading throughout his body.

"Shepard, this is Lieutenant James Vega. He'll be your bodyguard as of now." She remained silence, both Anderson and Vega expecting her to complain about the sudden news, aware that having a bodyguard might be too much to take. They were surprised to hear her calm, composed answer.

"Well, since I don't have my word to say in all of this, I might as well see the bright side of the situation and enjoy the fact that I will, at least, be allowed to see someone during my incarceration."

She walked up to them, her head high, in spite of the feelings of anger, frustration and powerlessness that were certainly crushing her. She let nothing disclosed.

"Lieutenant, nice to meet you." she held out her hand, letting it hang between them both. It took quite a few seconds for James to react. He was amazed at how she went back and forth between being the proud Commander she had to be and the woman she just was. He was taken aback, creating this awkward moment during which all fell silent, Shepard's hand hanging in the air, James scrutinizing her face. When Anderson discreetly cleared his throat and kicked him in the arm with his elbow, James came back to reality and mumbled

"Sorry, ma'am. The pleasure is mine." He shook her hand clumsily. He saw her smile at his awkwardness, immediately making him feel more comfortable.

Anderson, seeing as though the situation had been dealt with much more easily than expected, and also noticing that Shepard was accepting the lieutenant, decided it was time for him to leave. He reminded Vega of the importance of his tasks and not to, by any means, let anyone see Shepard without his consent. He finally turned to Shepard.

"Kid, I know this is tough and know that I am doing everything I can to get you out of here as soon as possible."

"I know, I am grateful for everything you've been doing since the beginning, for believing in me and supporting me when everyone was letting me down."

"I know who you truly are, Shepard. I will make sure the Council and committee remember what you've been doing for years to keep this Galaxy safe. For God's sake, you didn't destroy the Alpha Relay for the fun of it!" He could not help but rise his voice at the absurdity of Shepard's incarceration.

"Anderson, the Reapers are the real threat, you have to tell them that or we're lost. The Council, the committee, they need to believe me. It can't be too late already" she said, her eyes darkening, all trace of hope leaving her.

"Wait, wait, wait, Shepard!" Anderson said, placing his hands on her shoulders, as if to shake her back into reality, "We're not done yet, it's just the beginning! You have to be patient and have faith in me. I'm going to talk to them. They haven't been on the battlefield; none of them have seen what you've seen. I'll convince them, kid. Stay strong. I'll come back tomorrow afternoon. Until then, get to know the Lieutenant", he slightly turned to the James, who was waiting near the door, standing up straight, arms crossed behind his back, his face closed, "he's a talented soldier and a great man."

"Why him specifically though?" she asked, looking over Anderson's shoulder, taking a peek at James.

"Because he's one hell of a soldier and I'll admit he reminds me of you: tough, devoted, fearless but mostly, reckless -"

From this distance, James could hear what they were saying and could not help but listen. He had seen them turn around to look at him. Damn, Anderson, you're one hell of a man! He slightly shook his head, a small smile blossoming on his lips.

Anderson had believed in him, found him in the darkest hole of the Galaxy, and given him a second chance at life. He was decided not to waste it.

Hearing the captain's words had him wondering: was he really of the same caliber as Shepard? He sure was everything that Anderson had enumerated, yet, he still didn't feel like he belonged to her league. She had saved the Citadel from destruction; she had kept fighting against the Reapers even when pretty much no one believed her. Then she had died and been brought back to life by the enemy, Cerberus. Again, even when the Alliance rejected her, she kept fighting. She kept going even when all odds were against her, when her own world had fallen apart.

That's where he had failed. He had given up after Fehl… See, pendejo, you're not half as good as her. He was frowning , he was decided to change and he might as well learn from the best damn soldier in the Alliance.

When his mind drifted back to reality, Anderson was leaving, Shepard telling him with quite some enthusiasm, "Kick some ass for me, Sir!" He gave him a sharp salute before opening the door for him.

With one last hesitation, Anderson told him, in a whisper "Take care of her, Vega. She'll need strength; I know you can give her that."

James saw the seriousness in his eyes, and replied with the same determination he had heard in the Captain's words "Yes, Sir. You have my word".

When the door closed behind Anderson, James turned around and saw Shepard, back over the window, watching the last rays of suns illuminating Vancouver. It was as if she had forgotten that he was even here, still.

She looked magnificent. The light was accentuating her face and he found himself drawn to her. Until that very moment, he had only let himself see the soldier, not the woman. Now he could notice the curve of her hips, how her uniform fitted every one of her womanly features. Her delicate skin was glowing in the sun and he could not stop his eyes from roaming all over her body… If you don't stop now, you're going to make a fool of yourself, idiota.With quite some effort, he tore his eyes away from her luscious body and slowly walked up to her, breaking the silence.

"So, uh, Commander, is there anything you need? -"

"You're not supposed to call me that, Vega. Shepard will do." Her words had been hard, her eyes never leaving the view out the window, "Books, if you could get me some, it would help time pass by. Also, if that's possible, anything that would allow me to stay in shape and, you know, get rid of the frustration."

She turned her head finally, offering him a small smile, silently thanking him for immediately understanding that, what she needed most, was to make her incarceration, if not fun, at least, bearable.
"Yes, ma'am. I'll make a request tomorrow." He simply replied not knowing what else to say. Her face was beautiful, her green eyes glowing in the sunlight. He noticed the shadow lingering in the back of her iris; they said the eyes are the mirror or the soul and if that was true, her soul was not at peace. Instead of scrutinizing her, he chose to look at everything but her face; he didn't want her to think he was a creepy pervert.

James still did not know what tone to adopt with her. She was on the defensive, he could tell, yet she seemed to have this hidden side, the one she kept locked up when in command or around any other soldier, that demanded to be put in the light. He was a perfect stranger to her; he should not be surprised of the way she was acting toward him.

He remembered how she had looked when she was talking with Anderson, and, for some inexplicable reasons, he wanted her to feel as comfortable with him as she had been with the captain. He just wanted to break her barriers, remind her that there were still people believing in her and the ideal she represented. These bastards on Omega were right, you're a Shepard lover. Maybe letting her know that would make her feel more on trust.

"Permission to speak freely, ma'am?"

She raised an inquiring eyebrow, surprised by the formality of the question."Sure, go ahead"

"I may appear as a bother to you or another one of these uptight, insensitive soldiers following the book. I sure as hell will never be one of the latter. Your incarceration, sadly, is, my second chance at life. I should be the one in the brig right now, not you. You did the right thing Shepard. Don't ever doubt that. I've had my fair share of events I would erase and do all over again if I could. -"

He was slowing down, trying to find the right words. She was facing him now, arms crossed under her chest, as if to protect her, carefully listening. Her face was questioning, urging him to continue.

"What I am trying to say here is that you should see me as an ally. I am on your side Shepard, I believe in you. I believe you when you say the Reapers are coming. I've seen what the Collectors can do; I know we should rather be preparing for their coming instead of keeping you locked up for doing the right thing. However, none of us can do anything about this situation. I will do what I have been asked to do by Anderson and if you want me around, I'll stay. If you want me guarding you from outside, I'll do that; but keep the cold commander for the loco politicians. You have nothing to prove here, just be yourself and I'll do the same. I'll do whatever I can do to make this sensitive moment as easy as possible for you."

He was looking straight into her beautiful eyes, waiting for an answer. Hold on, don't back off now James.

After what seemed like an eternity, she gave him a sly smile, her eyes never leaving his either, "I think I like you, Vega."

Relief flooded all over his body and he tried to hide the joy that was invading him but didn't quite succeed.

"You can call me James, ma'am.", a wide smile of victory on his face.

His smile was contagious and she could not help but giggle a little, which was very unlike her.

She really meant what she had said about liking him. He seemed to be easy-going and also damn easy on the eye. His little speech had reinforced the feeling she had seen when she had first looked him in the eyes; there was something deep about him, hidden behind the impressive tattoos and the mass of muscles. She could tell he was seared with scars, the kind that cannot be seen but can be feltby those wounded too.

When Anderson had said that James reminded him of her, she had immediately understood why. Anderson knew she would let her guard down with someone like him around. It would take time, of course but if she allowed herself to be realistic, she would admit how tired she was. Tired does not even quite describe how I feel right now, she thought. She was above exhausted; the last months had just been too much and it now felt like it had all been for nothing. These bastards of the Council could never understand her and what the Normandy crew had seen. At least, now, she could get some rest.

She needed strength, both mental and physical, for the committee hearing. If there was one last chance to stop the Reapers in time, she would not let it pass her by. As for James, maybe he could help her in this process, if only she let him. Stop acting like Commander fucking Shepard. He is not your subordinate here. He is not a threat.

She realized, right then, that it had been years since she had allowed herself to reveal who she really was. There were still the memories, buried deep, waking her up at night, ceaselessly opening the wounds she had tried to heal, without success; even death itself had not stopped this. It had made her angry at first but in fact, that's what had convinced her that she was not an IV, or a fake Commander Gaïa Shepard. Anger had remained since then and there had been no place for the human side of her.

She wondered if James had been able to feel all of it. His haunted, hazel eyes had seemed to hit her core. Now, she found herself wanting to know more about this man who was nothing more than a stranger a few minutes ago.

Yet, years of being distant, tough, cold even, keeping everyone at arms' length had led her to this cocoon of self-preservation she was trapped in. Deep down, she refused to be helped, she didn't want people to care about her; worse, she didn't want to find herself caring for others.

She had cared for her crew in a very specific way, always keeping them far enough so not to get attached. In a very different way too, she cared for Humanity and still wanted to fight for them.

She was no hero, she hated more than anything to be seen as one, but she would give the little to no strength she had left in her, for them. It's not the glory that interested her, not the attention, nor the worship. It's the action, the ruthlessness of war, its inhumanity even, that kept her fighting for a better world than the one she had lived in. She could face the blood, the horror; as long as she knew others would not have to.

When Shepard found herself drifted back to reality for the second time in the day, she knew she needed to be alone now: she also knew she was not ready to talk nor was she ready to let someone in.

"I think I could use some sleep now, James." She calmly said. He didn't seem surprised by her silently spoken request for him to leave. She was glad her voice and tone had carried her simple wish to be alone, not, in any way, a rejection of his presence. She had always been good at keeping her emotions in check; that's something she was proud of.

"Sure, Shepard. I'll be in the corridor. Dinner should arrive by 20:00. Remember, if you need anything I'll be just outside the door." He gave her a half smile, starting to move toward the door.

"Thank you. See you tomorrow, lieutenant."

"Aye, aye, ma'am."

On his way back to the door, Shepard was by his side. She could not help but ogle him. He definitely was well built, even for a soldier. He was slightly taller than her, her eyes at level with his strong jaw. The 5 o'clock shadow beard he wore made her wonder how it would feel against the sensitive skin of her neck. She slightly blushed at the misplaced thought and how easily her mind had gotten used to the man.

Her eyes followed their journey up his face, noticing the scar on his right side. She made a reminder to herself to ask him about how he had gotten it. She had never been big on scars but she had to admit it looked quite distracting, attracting even, on him.

His sensual lips, his serious gaze, they started a fire in the pit of her stomach that she had not felt in ages. Come on, Gaïa, you're not a horny teenage girl. Grow up!

She had slowed her pace and was now a step behind him. The view of his muscular rear and broad shoulders, tight under his Alliance uniform did not help the fire that was now igniting her. She had first felt a bit guilty at dismissing him so quickly but now, she knew she had been right.

When they arrived at the door, James turned around abruptly. "You know, about the books, it certainly will take a few days until you get a hand on them so I was thinking I could bring you a book of mine. It's a collection of Pablo Neruda's poems -" He was scratching the back of his head now; looking a bit embarrassed which Shepard found totally adorable. She sure would have loved to listen to him, babbling some more, looking absolutely cute in his confusion, but she decided against it, the side of her who did not want company still in the back of her head.
"I would love to, James, thank you. I do not know any of his poems so it'll be something new which is what I need right now."
"Well, hm, ok ma'am. I'll bring it along tomorrow." He seemed almost happy that she had accepted.

The realization made her heart splutter for a second. She knew what it meant. He was taking at heart the mission Anderson had given him and by extension, he wanted to care about her and make her feel at ease. The thought scared her, making her stomach clench at the idea of being close to someone again.

Shepard was now alone in her cell, wishing she could avoid thinking until the committee hearing. All alone was where she belonged the most, yet, she usually had a lot going on around her, affairs to be taken of, tactics for future missions to be thought over.

Never, in years, had she been given the opportunity to just sit and think. She would have to face this now, the memories already rising from the shadow, all the interrogations about being dead eating away at her.

Yea, this incarceration really isn't going to be a party of fun.

A/N: The title of this chapter are words from the poem "Finale" by Pablo Neruda.
I am still not sure what the next chapters will be made of! I was thinking of maybe giving more details about Shepard's past. Of course, the evolution of her relationship with James should be a big focus of the story. Anyway, hope you liked this chapter